Cake or Death?
by Aust Kyzor
Summary: Has Chrom's tactician finally snapped? Has the entire world lost their marbles? It's certainly one way to explain why everybody was going along with the madness... (Based on Riley, one of my Robins)


_(The disclaimer is found at the end of this story)_

**Author's Note: **This isn't my first fanfiction, but it _is _the first one that I've written and published in nearly 10 years. Please forgive my suck.

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"Cake or death?"

To say that Chrom was a little surprised at the question was an understatement – he turned towards his tactician, puzzled, "Riley?"

"Answer the question, please," Riley replied. The very serious look on his face was a sharp contrast to the absurdity of the question, "cake or death?"

"Cake?" was Chrom's reply, a look of concern crossed his face: had his trusted tactician finally lost it with all this stress?

"Very well," said Riley, and he turned towards his nearby daughter, "You heard the king..." The energetic Morgan quickly dashed up to Chrom and handed him a slice of cake. Chrom took it apprehensively, and looked around, wondering if the rest of the camp was hiding in the shadows, laughing at him.

"…Thanks?" Chrom nervously said, staring at the cake, half expecting it to attack, half expecting it to be laced with something. You could never tell with Riley some days. Chrom knew Riley would never betray him, but he also knew that he wasn't above lacing the treat with a sleeping draught, or a potent spice. Riley loved pranks more than his sister; and Lissa was a pranking champion. The two of them together were a nightmare at times, a statement nobody dared to refute since their wedding. To this day Vaike still refused to ever go near a glass cup.

Sensing Chrom's (admittedly fair) hesitation, Riley set to reassure him, "Cordelia made it, and she knew you'd be eating it."

Hearing that, Chrom quickly ate the morsel, knowing it was safe. He then looked back at Riley, concern still in his eyes, "So, you mind telling me what that was all about?" he asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"It's my awesome plan to find Grimleal spies!" was Riley's excited reply

Yep. He'd lost it. "…Excuse me?"

"Well, think about it: any reasonable human would instantly respond to that question with 'cake', right?"

"Yes…?" Chrom wasn't sure where this was going, but he knew that, despite not wanting to ever know, he had to find out.

"Well, Plegians aren't reasonable humans – in fact, based on my analysis and amazing mind, I have concluded that no Plegian would ever choose cake over death. They wouldn't choose cake for any reason. They clearly hate cake. It's in their blood." Riley showed a sense of pride that he did not deserve to have, in Chrom's opinion. This wasn't a plan; it was a clear sign of insanity.

"I'm…" Chrom started, but stopped before he could even parse the sentence in his head. He worried that whatever caused Riley's clear insanity was contagious… Blast. There WAS something in that cake, wasn't there?

"Here, watch!" said Riley, and he turned towards Henry, who happened to be walking by, "Hey Henry! Cake or death?"

"Death, please!" Henry replied, giggling madly.

"See?" Riley said, smugly turning towards Chrom.

"Henry doesn't count!" Chrom retorted. That sorcerer would choose death even if it wasn't an option.

"…Fair enough," said Riley, "so let's ask somebody more reasonable, such as-"

"Tharja doesn't count either" Chrom interrupted. Tharja's obsessions made Henry seem like a model of sanity.

"Okay, fine!" Riley replied, getting annoyed with his unappreciative employer. "How about that Plegian trying to be sneaky, and worm into the group? The one right there." He pointed at a dark purple robe, trying too hard to be stealthy, and looking particularly foolish.

Chrom sighed, and knew he couldn't make the same argument again; "The floor is yours, my friend."

Riley smirked, and turned towards the yet-unidentified trespasser. "Hey you! Plegian! Yes, you in the bushes! Cake or death?"

The Plegian in question took a second to process what the strange man had just asked, shuddered, and then came his reply, "How can you people put that _filth _into your mouths? Death please."

Riley turned back to face Chrom. His smug grin somehow became even smugger. He stared at Chrom, and victory was in his eyes.

"Alright, fine." said Chrom, as he sighed.

Riley almost jumped for joy as he turned towards his son, "Alright, Owain – let loose!"

Chrom looked up and noticed that Riley's… "unique" son was perched in a tree overlooking most of the camp. The assassin nocked an arrow and let it fly straight into the would-be spy's head.

"That's my boy!" Riley gleefully remarked. He turned to face Chrom, "So? What do you think of the new, cheap, and efficient security measure?"

"How do you account for…"

"They ask for my carrot stew as an alternative." Riley stated, cutting Chrom off from asking about Tharja and Henry. "Don't you have ANY faith in me? I planned for that before I even asked Cordelia to make the cake."

"So… I'm guessing the rest of the Shepherds know?"

"They were all informed, and they all love the idea. Even Maribelle approved. Gaius needed a little convincing until I told him no cake would be wasted…"

Nope, Riley's the epitome of sane. Chrom was convinced that HE had lost his mind.

"I'm…" Chrom had started again, but found he couldn't handle the situation he now found himself in "…tent" He at last finished, and stumbled off towards his tent. He curled into Sully's arms and cried himself to sleep. Some battles just weren't worth fighting.

Operation: Cake was a resounding success. The Grimleal simply couldn't snake their way into their ranks until long after it was too late, and Grima was dead. From that day forward, cake was a dish eaten at any cause for celebration. Except in Plegia; Riley was a genius, but he certainly wasn't a god.

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**Disclaimer: **With the partial exception of Riley McPranksterpants, and one particular Plegian, all characters seen and mentioned in this story are owned and copyrighted by Intelligent Systems and Nintendo. While Riley is my own character, his design is based on the character of Robin in Fire Emblem: Awakening, which I do not own; the Plegian is based on stock characters from the same game. I make no claim to their intellectual property, nor do I hold any financial gain from it. This document is categorized under the terms of fair use within international copyright law. Permission was not required for the production or publication of this document.

This story is not copyrighted, but stealing it and passing it off as your own work would be a dick move, so please don't do that.

Published 2014-07-20 by Aust Kyzor


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